So we've been to the doctor, everything is confirmed and we are officially pregnant, due October 10. It's strange to go through this a second time. I'm already comparing this pregnancy with my last; this poor kid doesn't have a chance.
The first time, especially with an unplanned pregnancy, if full of so many emotions. I was SO excited, surprised, overwhelmed, excited, full of anticipation, trepidation....so many things. I was excited about having a baby, but I was so excited to go though a pregnancy. I read everything I could get my hands on. I wanted to know what to expect, what was normal, what would happen next...I felt fairly prepared for the very uneventful and pleasant pregnancy I had. This time, although I'm sure it will continue to be at least a little different, I already know what to expect. I know I will take advantage of every spare minute to sleep until just after my second trimester begins. I know how to eat. I know what will happen at our doctor appointments. I know when we will find out the sex. It's all still exciting to go through, of course, but there's not the anticipation of unknown territory. I'm even having a scheduled c-section, for crying out loud. Which is great for planning, but feels a very business-like way to bring a child into the world.
Then there's the whole situation of not having many spare seconds to sleep due to having been pregnant before, leading me to already have a child. While I was a FT working person during my first pregnancy, now I am a stay at home mom who also babysits another baby. I will have the whole balancing Max with an infant part down, but boy, it was nice to be self-centered during my pregnancy. I was not a person who wanted to be waited on, and like I said, I worked FT and still cooked dinners, did laundry, cleaned the house, etc. But I also went to bed at 9 if I wanted. Right now, I am opting to type this knowing my laundry will not get done today because I will now go make dinner, play with Max, eat, give him a bath put him to bed and then go to bed. It's really hard to be annoyed that I want to give Max my time. But I am. I want him to snuggle (aka nap) on the couch with me so I can catch a few zzzzs. But he's almost 3. He doesn't stay still very long. He also watches way more tv than I want him to, but sometimes mama needs a break. Or to pee or make dinner or feed the baby.
I'm glad Max likes having the little baby here every day. I hope he is as excited about the one who doesn't go home at 4:00. His jealousy is very mild if it does rear its head. And he's actually very helpful. But this doesn't stop me from freaking out about the fact that we've now made this a permanent situation. I feel like my house will never be clean again, my laundry will never be done again, I will never not feel tired again. That's the selfish stuff. Then there's the fact that I adore Max. I mean, this kid is the bomb. He's smart as can be, charming, easy on the eyes, polite (and nothing gets me like a kid with manners), so imaginative, kind... I love spending time with him! I know I just had a rant of how I miss being able to sleep pre-Max, but even still, if anything is going to keep me awake, I'd rather it be him. And now there's going to be someone else who will cause me to miss out on Max time. I don't know this new person yet, so I don't know if I'll enjoy his company as much as Max. I mean, I'll love him, obviously, but I can't imagine anyone coming close to the coolness of the kid I already have.
Which leads me to my next irrational thought. How on earth will we be lucky enough to have 2 kickass kids? I mean, we got so lucky with Max. Great sleeper, great eater, nice kid, all the aforementioned qualities...I just am so afraid that the new baby will be colicky, bad eater, bad sleeper, so needy.....and I might lose my mind. I seriously have over 7 months to deal with this before meeting unknown child. And I'm already stressing. Which is probably in turn affecting baby's development. Which will make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. Great. Yet I am super excited to meet newest tiny human.
I am super hopeful that the sudden surge of hormones is making me into this slightly more miserable and slightly more neurotic version of me and that it will level out in a few weeks. I want to be a happy pregnant mama. And just a happy regular mama. And I absolutely do not want to drag either of my children down my spiral of insanity. And secondarily, my husband shouldn't really hang out there either.
Maybe I just need a nap. Soon..
My wonderful family
Monday, February 25, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Then this happened.
I started babysitting for my sister's friend when she returned to work after maternity leave last week. So now I have a taste for having a preschooler and an infant. Little lady is 3 months tiny. And Max has been home with me by himself for 8 months. So it has been an adventure. Luckily, she is good and Max likes her. Plus, she's still young enough that she pretty much still just eats, sleeps and pees. (She only poops at night so far - lucky me!) So it's not too bad. Her schedule isn't consistent so sometimes I have time to myself when they both nap at the same time and sometimes I don't stop all day because when one gets settled the other needs something. But that's what it's like with two, I guess.
Which I will soon find out. :)
So remember when I took that test in February and it was negative? Well, a week later I still hadn't begun my next cycle, so to speak, so I secretly took another test. (I'm a bit obsessive about the tests. I took 3 with Max and demanded a blood test with my GP when my OB didn't wan't to see me for 2 weeks.) It clearly came out with a plus sign - I'd switched to reliable EPT for peace of mind. I pulled out the leaflet that comes in the box and compared it incessantly before I thought of telling Dave. I compared it to the label on the box. I read it inside out and backwards so I was certain I wasn't screwing it up again. I felt confident it was positive.
Turns out Dave was out way late that night. I woke at 5 when he was coming to bed because he woke Max (grrrrr). He gallantly said he would lay with Max to get him back to sleep. Well, I was up so I had to pee; might as well pee on a stick, right? Dave in the meantime got in the shower to wash off his night at the casino. Weirdly, I didn't even care. I was sitting on the couch when he came out. We chatted lightly, then I asked him to read the test and tell me if he thought it was positive. We agreed it was and that this was really happening. We're having another baby. We asked the normal questions: When is it due? Do you think it's a boy or girl? Where will it sleep? What names do you like? Should I direct show 1 or show 2 next semester? Ok, that last one isn't normal for everyone, but it is for us. Dave's job is super time consuming so I was super nervous about doing this again times two. I still am nervous, but we'll make it work. Eesh.
Turns out Dave was out way late that night. I woke at 5 when he was coming to bed because he woke Max (grrrrr). He gallantly said he would lay with Max to get him back to sleep. Well, I was up so I had to pee; might as well pee on a stick, right? Dave in the meantime got in the shower to wash off his night at the casino. Weirdly, I didn't even care. I was sitting on the couch when he came out. We chatted lightly, then I asked him to read the test and tell me if he thought it was positive. We agreed it was and that this was really happening. We're having another baby. We asked the normal questions: When is it due? Do you think it's a boy or girl? Where will it sleep? What names do you like? Should I direct show 1 or show 2 next semester? Ok, that last one isn't normal for everyone, but it is for us. Dave's job is super time consuming so I was super nervous about doing this again times two. I still am nervous, but we'll make it work. Eesh.
So we've had fun telling immediate family. It's so great to involve Max in the surprise. He gets it but not the whole it, if that makes sense. Duh, he's only going to be 3 in a few weeks. We'll make the big announcement after we get to the doctor next week for that lovely 3 hour initial visit. I don't know why, but I'm cautiously optimistic. Maybe because we had to try harder for this one, or try at all, rather. Maybe it's because my grandmother, in one of her morphine-induced delusions, asked if I was having twins before I even knew I was pregnant. Maybe it's because I'm older now and as exciting as it is, we have done this before so the novelty isn't there (for the announcing, not the baby). Who knows? I know this seems crazy that I haven't even told some members of my family, and here I am putting it on this blog for the interwebs to see, but my readership is far from extensive so I don't expect that suddenly people I know will start reading. Plus, just like with bad news, it's good to get it off my chest. And I am really excited to document this pregnancy. Max's went so fast and I had so many ideas, but I was also working full time so many didn't get accomplished. I hope I do better this time. With everything!
So this happened!
So a few months back, Dave and I (mostly I; Dave had decided about 2 years ago!) decided we were ready for another baby. I was so scared to admit that; I'm not sure why. I LOVE being Max's mommy and perhaps that is in fact why. I can't imagine being a mom to anyone else, having this much love for anyone else. I truly wasn't ready until then. I knew I I wanted more, but I was just loving the heck out of Max and I figured if I was meant to have another sooner, it would happen. Even if I was on the pill. Just like with Max. I hadn't happened, so we decided we would actively try. I didn't tell anyone this information because 1.) I was already dealing with the "So when are you having another?" and I didn't want the additional pressure, and 2.) Telling people we were trying was not really anyone's business and them knowing would mean they might take the leap and think about us having sex. I know it's crazy. But I have never been really forthright about the "intimate" details of my life; it's my cross to bear.
I also didn't think I would have to let people know since I was convinced we were such fertile fellows. I mean, we got pregnant on the pill when Dave was in for a weekend from his 8 week job in Missouri. I mean, the stars really had to be aligned for Max to be with us here today, yet here he is. So when we actually intended on getting pregnant, it should be a piece of cake, no?
No.
I don't mean to diminish the anguish of couples who go through months and years of infertility. I can't imagine being in that situation. But I just know I thought we would be able to conceive in 1 month, maybe 2 and when we didn't, I was devastated. I spent lots of money on pregnancy tests, convinced that was the problem. The ones I bought were too cheap, too old, not digital, etc. So I took 2-3 tests every month. Again, I recognize I am a crazy person.
Then in December, I felt it. I knew we did it. I timed it out on the calendar, I had sore boobs, I was exhausted, I even convinced myself I was peeing more frequently. And most importantly I was late. So I waited until I was officially 2 days late so as not to get disappointed again. I peed in a cup, dipped the stick and waited. Since we were in the post Christmas debt, I had gotten a box of non-digital store brand. I was having a moment of rationalism after extensive research that says they are essentially all the same so why waste the money. I brushed my teeth and put in my contacts waiting for that line to come up in the second window. I knew I was looking for a vertical line, give me a vertical line. Holy shit, it was a vertical line!! We had done it. 3 "short" months and we were going to have a baby. Baby would be exactly 3-1/2 years younger than Max. That exact half year was appealing to me for some reason. Would they share a room? Would I lose the guest room? Would it be a boy or a girl? Chinese gender charts said it would be a girl. I was really happy about that. All these thoughts ran through my head before I even walked into the bedroom to tell Dave. I walked into our room and woke him gently. We chatted a bit and he said, "What's on the docket for today?" I said, "Maybe we should talk baby names?" :) He was so excited and so was I; non stop grinning. We decided to wait to tell anyone, except maybe Max. Maybe. We lay in bed just basking in the glow of our news. Max woke up and joined us; it was a freakin' ABCFamily episode. I got up to go to the bathroom again and - what I'm about to admit is possibly the most embarrassing moment of my life - and decided to look at the test again before I threw it out. I looked again and it was odd. I just felt like I should look at the pamphlet. And I felt nausea that I knew was not morning sickness. I'd read the test wrong. I looked at the control window, which did in fact have that vertical line. Duh, it's the control window. The other window held a giant horizontal line. Like a big old minus. Negative. A flashing sign of "You are too dumb and fat to get pregnant." And then I had to tell Dave.
I walked into the room in complete shock and devastated I had to burst the cloud 9 he was riding. All because I was so convinced I was pregnant/wanted to be pregnant so badly, I saw what I wanted to see on that stick. And I burst into incoherent sobs. I think I wailed that I made a mistake and shoved the test and pamphlet under his nose, and God love him, he tried to turn that test and pamphlet every which way to make it say what we wanted it to say. And he consoled me even though he was clearly disappointed too. And Max gave me a hug, not having any idea what was happening.
I was so annoyed at myself, I obsessively Googled "misreading pregnancy tests" to try to read some other poor soul's similar story. I found none. I felt like such an idiot. Who misreads a pregnancy test?? That's joke on some bad sitcom. And now it was a bad joke in my life. I was so sad. I felt like I lost a child I never had. I'd only thought I had one for an hour! But the feeling of loss was real. And you can't deal with loss alone. So I ended up spilling the beans to one of my sisters. The one I was doing a show with at the time. I pulled her into the bathroom, reluctant since she was a very vocal member of Team More Babies. But I broke down and told her, feeling like a silent weight was lifted finally just by speaking it out loud. She didn't quite realize where the story was going at first and probably thought I was telling her I was pregnant, so she let out an expression of joy, followed by sympathy. She was kind and encouraging, which was especially nice since she was also obviously uncomfortable.
I think just getting it out helped. It was a lot to carry inside, and it was like a miracle. I immediately felt a weight lifted. I wasn't less sad, but I didn't feel burdened and I was able to focus on other things in my life, which was helpful since I was in the midst of directing a show.
Flash forward to early February. Time to test again. I felt really confident about it this month. I was more relaxed and aware of the timing of things, so I thought if it's going to happen, this is it. Everything was by the book. I was only late by a day and since I'm not like clockwork, it could have been nothing or it could mean I was knocked up. I told Dave I was debating whether to take the test or just wait a little longer. We agreed I should take it but hold little expectation (HA!) and if it was negative we'd keep trying. And if keeping trying doesn't work, we'll look into other options. Not ready to explore other options, I held my breath as I waited for the digital message to arrive. After I washed my hands, brushed my teeth, and put my contacts in, I saw the test stop flashing and words on the screen. One word too many: Not Pregnant. I sighed, shook it off and went in the bedroom to enjoy my existing family. We laughed, wrestled, giggled and had fun. I didn't cry. Oddly, I didn't have to try not to. When we finally got around to getting up for the day, Dave said "Hey, did you..." I nonchalantly said "Yeah, nope, not this time. It was negative." He was obviously disappointed, but it was okay. He said next time could be the time and I agree.
I also didn't think I would have to let people know since I was convinced we were such fertile fellows. I mean, we got pregnant on the pill when Dave was in for a weekend from his 8 week job in Missouri. I mean, the stars really had to be aligned for Max to be with us here today, yet here he is. So when we actually intended on getting pregnant, it should be a piece of cake, no?
No.
I don't mean to diminish the anguish of couples who go through months and years of infertility. I can't imagine being in that situation. But I just know I thought we would be able to conceive in 1 month, maybe 2 and when we didn't, I was devastated. I spent lots of money on pregnancy tests, convinced that was the problem. The ones I bought were too cheap, too old, not digital, etc. So I took 2-3 tests every month. Again, I recognize I am a crazy person.
Then in December, I felt it. I knew we did it. I timed it out on the calendar, I had sore boobs, I was exhausted, I even convinced myself I was peeing more frequently. And most importantly I was late. So I waited until I was officially 2 days late so as not to get disappointed again. I peed in a cup, dipped the stick and waited. Since we were in the post Christmas debt, I had gotten a box of non-digital store brand. I was having a moment of rationalism after extensive research that says they are essentially all the same so why waste the money. I brushed my teeth and put in my contacts waiting for that line to come up in the second window. I knew I was looking for a vertical line, give me a vertical line. Holy shit, it was a vertical line!! We had done it. 3 "short" months and we were going to have a baby. Baby would be exactly 3-1/2 years younger than Max. That exact half year was appealing to me for some reason. Would they share a room? Would I lose the guest room? Would it be a boy or a girl? Chinese gender charts said it would be a girl. I was really happy about that. All these thoughts ran through my head before I even walked into the bedroom to tell Dave. I walked into our room and woke him gently. We chatted a bit and he said, "What's on the docket for today?" I said, "Maybe we should talk baby names?" :) He was so excited and so was I; non stop grinning. We decided to wait to tell anyone, except maybe Max. Maybe. We lay in bed just basking in the glow of our news. Max woke up and joined us; it was a freakin' ABCFamily episode. I got up to go to the bathroom again and - what I'm about to admit is possibly the most embarrassing moment of my life - and decided to look at the test again before I threw it out. I looked again and it was odd. I just felt like I should look at the pamphlet. And I felt nausea that I knew was not morning sickness. I'd read the test wrong. I looked at the control window, which did in fact have that vertical line. Duh, it's the control window. The other window held a giant horizontal line. Like a big old minus. Negative. A flashing sign of "You are too dumb and fat to get pregnant." And then I had to tell Dave.
I walked into the room in complete shock and devastated I had to burst the cloud 9 he was riding. All because I was so convinced I was pregnant/wanted to be pregnant so badly, I saw what I wanted to see on that stick. And I burst into incoherent sobs. I think I wailed that I made a mistake and shoved the test and pamphlet under his nose, and God love him, he tried to turn that test and pamphlet every which way to make it say what we wanted it to say. And he consoled me even though he was clearly disappointed too. And Max gave me a hug, not having any idea what was happening.
I was so annoyed at myself, I obsessively Googled "misreading pregnancy tests" to try to read some other poor soul's similar story. I found none. I felt like such an idiot. Who misreads a pregnancy test?? That's joke on some bad sitcom. And now it was a bad joke in my life. I was so sad. I felt like I lost a child I never had. I'd only thought I had one for an hour! But the feeling of loss was real. And you can't deal with loss alone. So I ended up spilling the beans to one of my sisters. The one I was doing a show with at the time. I pulled her into the bathroom, reluctant since she was a very vocal member of Team More Babies. But I broke down and told her, feeling like a silent weight was lifted finally just by speaking it out loud. She didn't quite realize where the story was going at first and probably thought I was telling her I was pregnant, so she let out an expression of joy, followed by sympathy. She was kind and encouraging, which was especially nice since she was also obviously uncomfortable.
I think just getting it out helped. It was a lot to carry inside, and it was like a miracle. I immediately felt a weight lifted. I wasn't less sad, but I didn't feel burdened and I was able to focus on other things in my life, which was helpful since I was in the midst of directing a show.
Flash forward to early February. Time to test again. I felt really confident about it this month. I was more relaxed and aware of the timing of things, so I thought if it's going to happen, this is it. Everything was by the book. I was only late by a day and since I'm not like clockwork, it could have been nothing or it could mean I was knocked up. I told Dave I was debating whether to take the test or just wait a little longer. We agreed I should take it but hold little expectation (HA!) and if it was negative we'd keep trying. And if keeping trying doesn't work, we'll look into other options. Not ready to explore other options, I held my breath as I waited for the digital message to arrive. After I washed my hands, brushed my teeth, and put my contacts in, I saw the test stop flashing and words on the screen. One word too many: Not Pregnant. I sighed, shook it off and went in the bedroom to enjoy my existing family. We laughed, wrestled, giggled and had fun. I didn't cry. Oddly, I didn't have to try not to. When we finally got around to getting up for the day, Dave said "Hey, did you..." I nonchalantly said "Yeah, nope, not this time. It was negative." He was obviously disappointed, but it was okay. He said next time could be the time and I agree.
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