Family of 4

So now I have 2 kids.  2 sons.  2 boys.  2.  It's hilarious how it feels so natural to say that, yet so new.  Elliott Jude was born Oct. 7, as scheduled.

And that's as far as I got with my writing.  Elliott is now 17 months old.  We've had our ups, we've had some downs, but mostly we've had so much less time.  Less time for this blog, less time for going out without children, less time to exercise, less time to clean, to create, to craft...  My children have become my number 1 priority, perhaps to a fault.  Is that possible?

Of course, I love my children to the point of tears and exhaustion at any given moment.  However, I know it's important for them to realize they are not the center of everyone's universe.  So is being at the center of mine doing them a disservice?  I mean, they hear no, they are disciplined, they are taught personal responsibility and given consequences.  They are placed in the care of others so Dave and I can occasionally go out together, so they know Mommy and Daddy exist as a couple (barely, but we try) and not just as their parents.  But I still worry.

I know I will always worry.  But sometimes the fact that we get one chance not screw these kids up for life is unbearably overwhelming.  Especially now that Max has reached an age where he will remember things when he is older.  I know we influence our children from the womb, from birth, but no one *really* remembers that one time Mommy left you in the crib so she could finish her show or that time Daddy ate your Halloween candy when you were 2, even though you threw quite the memorable tantrum.  But now, at a week shy of 5 years old, events are memorable for Max.  So if we screw it up, not only will he remember, he will remind us for years to come.  I know, I've done this to my own poor parents.  What if, in an effort to do right by them, we only give their future therapists material to keep them on the couch?

In the "If I knew then what I knew now" department.... this parenting gig only gets more difficult.  We registered Max for Kindergarten(!).  He could tell everyone our deepest, darkest parenting fails.  He will begin to be influenced by others.  He will have to be more independent than ever.  He won't have me to help him find whatever he loses on a daily basis or remind him to put things back where they belong so he can keep his work space neat.  I know the reward will be there when I get to watch him learn and grow into the young man I know is inside.  I will have more time to spend with Elliott without Max dominating every conversation and interaction.  But the beginning of letting go has begun.