Today is Better...

So since yesterday's post, things got worse with Max.  But today they got better.
There's not enough interweb to go into the details of the emotional turmoil yesterday took on me.  I felt frustration, sadness, despair, anger.  I tried so hard not to let that show for Max's sake.  I didn't want him to know he was putting me in this place I've never been.  I also didn't want to give him the upper hand, if I'm being completely honest.  By evening time, his blatant refusal had escalated to the type of scene you see in ridiculous movies about problem children.  When I calmly put him on the steps to relax (our time-out), he screamed "NO!" at me and ran away.  I calmly returned him to the step, and again and again, until I sat with him and held him there.  I hate the way that even looks in print.  I was there and I know exactly what happened, yet I am picturing myself sitting on him or throwing him down on the step.  This did not happen.  I just sat with him.  He screamed and cried.  He tried to lean in for a hug and as I fought back the tears (unsuccessfully) as I had to decide whether to give him a hug or not.
I realize how awful that sounds.  Why would a mother not give her crying son a hug??  I wanted to, hence the tears.  I was just so caught up in my frustration that I didn't know if hugging him in that moment, after he fought with me all day, or even if I work within his own short term memory, those last 15 minutes, if that would reinforce the idea in his mind that all he has to do is cry and all would be okay.  All will be okay, but I was so afraid of developing a pattern that was similar to his behavior that day...I didn't know how I would last if that was our new life together.
Admittedly, I was snowballing.  One bad day doesn't mean a bad kid.  But it was a really, really bad day.  I told Dave that as difficult as being a parent is, up until this point, I felt confident I was doing right by Max.  I knew even when it wasn't easy, it was for the best.  Now it's not easy AND I am not confident in my parenting to know I am acting for the best possible outcome.  I know what I do now could have lasting effects on Max and establish precedents that we will all have to deal with forever.
I needed today to happen.  I needed a good night's sleep and some support from Dave to reassess and see Max for the beautiful little boy he is, a good kid with bad days, who still deserves a hug, even and especially in our darkest moments.  I needed to forgive myself for feeling frustrated with him and for the mistakes I may have made and will make in the future.  I needed my skills and tools that I carefully choose to work with Max and to be effective.  Today that happened.
I took a day to put Max first, not just juggle him in with a bunch of other tasks (he's napping now, so this doesn't count).  I listened to him and answered him the first time he spoke to me, just as I am asking him to do.  I recognized why he might not do what I ask, why he might be so angry he has to yell at me, and told him I recognize these things.  I valued his feelings and gave him acceptable outlets for them.  I recognize it won't always work and we will have awful days again.  But I needed today to be a good day, and it was.  And for that I am maternally grateful. (wokka wokka.)

It's the Last Day of the Year

Today is my mom's birthday.  As a favor to us, and because it's the greatest gift we could give her, Max slept over last night and is spending the day with her.  Our motivation behind this is not only to give her something awesome for her birthday, but to clean.  That's right, we're not going to have a romantic NYE date or even spend the day doing something exciting and fun.  We're going to clean the hell out of our house.  (Although typing this up is not the best start; I have to be able to enjoy a little time to myself!)
I've discovered that newborn and infancy stages are far easier than the toddler stages of parenting.  Granted, we were blessed with a very easy-going, happy baby in Max, but still... Now when I am home with Max all day, we play all day long.  It makes me endlessly happy, of course.  I love watching him learn and discover things and sing and "read" and do all the things that he couldn't do even yesterday.  But that little bugger has a lot of energy, and it requires so much to keep up with him.  It's very difficult to multi-task.  When he was an infant, I could make dinner while he lay in his bouncy chair, so happily.  Now the only way to confine him is in his booster seat and then he doesn't understand why the heck he's not eating!  When he was an infant, I could schedule my stuff with his naps.  Even though they were shorter, so was the time between them.  So first nap, clean up kitchen.  Second nap, put away laundry.  Third nap, shower.  If I was efficient enough, I could even sneak in a nap myself.  Now, we have 1 midday nap that is about 2 hours.  Not enough time, Max, not enough time.  Plus, when do I clean his room?  When I put away his laundry, I end up also cleaning up everything he used to occupy himself while I made sure his clothes were hanging neatly in his open closet.
All this has made it necessary for a monthly-ish Saturday with the grandparents so I can mover freely about without feeling like I am neglecting my son, nor am I expecting him to crawl around on a floor covered in dog hair, nor am I frightening him with the dreaded vacuum cleaner, whose noise causes such terror in Max's eyes that I want to throw the darn thing out the door.
So I am off to spend my child free New Year's Eve day with my husband cleaning.  Hopefully starting 2012 in a clean house will make me feel better about the fact that I know it won't stay that way.