Today is Better...

So since yesterday's post, things got worse with Max.  But today they got better.
There's not enough interweb to go into the details of the emotional turmoil yesterday took on me.  I felt frustration, sadness, despair, anger.  I tried so hard not to let that show for Max's sake.  I didn't want him to know he was putting me in this place I've never been.  I also didn't want to give him the upper hand, if I'm being completely honest.  By evening time, his blatant refusal had escalated to the type of scene you see in ridiculous movies about problem children.  When I calmly put him on the steps to relax (our time-out), he screamed "NO!" at me and ran away.  I calmly returned him to the step, and again and again, until I sat with him and held him there.  I hate the way that even looks in print.  I was there and I know exactly what happened, yet I am picturing myself sitting on him or throwing him down on the step.  This did not happen.  I just sat with him.  He screamed and cried.  He tried to lean in for a hug and as I fought back the tears (unsuccessfully) as I had to decide whether to give him a hug or not.
I realize how awful that sounds.  Why would a mother not give her crying son a hug??  I wanted to, hence the tears.  I was just so caught up in my frustration that I didn't know if hugging him in that moment, after he fought with me all day, or even if I work within his own short term memory, those last 15 minutes, if that would reinforce the idea in his mind that all he has to do is cry and all would be okay.  All will be okay, but I was so afraid of developing a pattern that was similar to his behavior that day...I didn't know how I would last if that was our new life together.
Admittedly, I was snowballing.  One bad day doesn't mean a bad kid.  But it was a really, really bad day.  I told Dave that as difficult as being a parent is, up until this point, I felt confident I was doing right by Max.  I knew even when it wasn't easy, it was for the best.  Now it's not easy AND I am not confident in my parenting to know I am acting for the best possible outcome.  I know what I do now could have lasting effects on Max and establish precedents that we will all have to deal with forever.
I needed today to happen.  I needed a good night's sleep and some support from Dave to reassess and see Max for the beautiful little boy he is, a good kid with bad days, who still deserves a hug, even and especially in our darkest moments.  I needed to forgive myself for feeling frustrated with him and for the mistakes I may have made and will make in the future.  I needed my skills and tools that I carefully choose to work with Max and to be effective.  Today that happened.
I took a day to put Max first, not just juggle him in with a bunch of other tasks (he's napping now, so this doesn't count).  I listened to him and answered him the first time he spoke to me, just as I am asking him to do.  I recognized why he might not do what I ask, why he might be so angry he has to yell at me, and told him I recognize these things.  I valued his feelings and gave him acceptable outlets for them.  I recognize it won't always work and we will have awful days again.  But I needed today to be a good day, and it was.  And for that I am maternally grateful. (wokka wokka.)