So since yesterday's post, things got worse with Max. But today they got better.
There's not enough interweb to go into the details of the emotional turmoil yesterday took on me. I felt frustration, sadness, despair, anger. I tried so hard not to let that show for Max's sake. I didn't want him to know he was putting me in this place I've never been. I also didn't want to give him the upper hand, if I'm being completely honest. By evening time, his blatant refusal had escalated to the type of scene you see in ridiculous movies about problem children. When I calmly put him on the steps to relax (our time-out), he screamed "NO!" at me and ran away. I calmly returned him to the step, and again and again, until I sat with him and held him there. I hate the way that even looks in print. I was there and I know exactly what happened, yet I am picturing myself sitting on him or throwing him down on the step. This did not happen. I just sat with him. He screamed and cried. He tried to lean in for a hug and as I fought back the tears (unsuccessfully) as I had to decide whether to give him a hug or not.
I realize how awful that sounds. Why would a mother not give her crying son a hug?? I wanted to, hence the tears. I was just so caught up in my frustration that I didn't know if hugging him in that moment, after he fought with me all day, or even if I work within his own short term memory, those last 15 minutes, if that would reinforce the idea in his mind that all he has to do is cry and all would be okay. All will be okay, but I was so afraid of developing a pattern that was similar to his behavior that day...I didn't know how I would last if that was our new life together.
Admittedly, I was snowballing. One bad day doesn't mean a bad kid. But it was a really, really bad day. I told Dave that as difficult as being a parent is, up until this point, I felt confident I was doing right by Max. I knew even when it wasn't easy, it was for the best. Now it's not easy AND I am not confident in my parenting to know I am acting for the best possible outcome. I know what I do now could have lasting effects on Max and establish precedents that we will all have to deal with forever.
I needed today to happen. I needed a good night's sleep and some support from Dave to reassess and see Max for the beautiful little boy he is, a good kid with bad days, who still deserves a hug, even and especially in our darkest moments. I needed to forgive myself for feeling frustrated with him and for the mistakes I may have made and will make in the future. I needed my skills and tools that I carefully choose to work with Max and to be effective. Today that happened.
I took a day to put Max first, not just juggle him in with a bunch of other tasks (he's napping now, so this doesn't count). I listened to him and answered him the first time he spoke to me, just as I am asking him to do. I recognized why he might not do what I ask, why he might be so angry he has to yell at me, and told him I recognize these things. I valued his feelings and gave him acceptable outlets for them. I recognize it won't always work and we will have awful days again. But I needed today to be a good day, and it was. And for that I am maternally grateful. (wokka wokka.)
My wonderful family
Showing posts with label behavior. Show all posts
Showing posts with label behavior. Show all posts
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
My Kid is a Jerk
Or shall I say, he CAN be a jerk. As we all can at times, of course. It just seems that Max's jerkiness is in concentrated form lately. And on a related note, I've not blogged in 2 months. How is that related, you might ask? Well, it's because my life has been crazy since November until a few weeks ago. Therefore, Max's life has been crazy. Therefore, he's a jerk. I took critical thinking in college, I think that's how it works.
So let's reflect. Several months ago, we decided I could make my return to theatre by directing the January production for Gaslight. It was a show near and dear to my heart, so leaving Max almost nightly for several weeks would be made easier. Plus, I "rationalized" it to myself by telling myself that it's important for Max to see me as a person, not exclusively his mom. A person who not only is capable of things outside our home, but pursues them. That while balance is very important, so is variety. Daddy is not the only one who has evening obligations. I am passionate about people and projects in addition to my family and home. I do believe these things are important for Max to see and for me to do so I too can see those things in myself.
However, it was hard. For so many reasons. I haven't done any theatre since I was pregnant, and I hadn't directed a show since a year prior to that. Being out of the game that long definitely brings self-doubt and anxiety about every choice. So now, I'm "abandoning" Max for a project that I'm not sure will even be good.
Dave's schedule hadn't worked out exactly as I had thought it would, meaning Max was spending a lot of nights with my parents. Trust me, I am so eternally grateful we have them and that they are so close. Max loves spending time with them and he brings them such joy. I trust them to make wise decisions with Max and that he will be well fed and taken care of. However, there are naturally discrepancies in our child-rearing styles, such as bedtime, activities, TV... Once in a while, these differences are minor and don't have much impact; they're even seen as a treat for Max by him and us. However, when Max spends so much time with them and then has to return to the rigorous structure of his actual home, there's naturally going to be dissension in the ranks. And Max didn't disappoint.
Throw Christmas in the mix, especially when Max is the only (young) grandchild on both Dave's and my sides of the family, and you have the makings for a bratty kid.
Now, it's January 23 and Max's behavior has not only not resolved itself, but seems to have gotten worse. Bedtime takes an hour at minimum, just from the time we first say good night to when he finally settles quietly. He is waking in the night and wandering into our room, just to ask us (me) to put him back in his own bed. He's back to not eating well, replacing it with goofy obnoxious table behavior. And the mouth...I always knew I would have a mouthy kid to deal with as penance for what I put my mom through. However, I didn't anticipate dealing with it at almost 3; I thought I'd have until 13 at least! He yells at me, screams "No!" when asked to do something, is so defiant, and downright bratty. Where did this boy come from?? I am concerned that this isn't just a phase, or worse, that my lack of patience for this behavior will make it irreparable.
I am so proud of the good things I've taught Max. He (typically) has good manners, saying May I and Thank You. He (typically) is so sweet and encouraging, frequently telling people he is playing with Good Job! and Nice Try! He tells us spontaneously that he loves us and willingly gives hugs and kisses. He has always been a good listener, following directions and shown appropriate responsibility for his age, if not more. This turnaround is not only infuriating for the obvious reasons, but because it's such a shift from the well-behaved and admittedly "easy" kid I've had for almost 3 years.
I am researching as much as possible to get various perspectives in dealing with a newly difficult child. I understand the developmental psychology of it all. He is torn between yearning for independence and the inability to accept it. He feels all the feelings we do, without the strength to handle them. And I'm sure it just pisses him off when he has to do anything like clean up, stop playing, wash hands, etc. But I don't know how to react appropriately without ruining his innate spirit. Plus, half the time, I feel he doesn't give a crap about his consequences, no matter how cruel I fear they may be.
I guess I'm learning that all those people who were jealous of us when Max slept through the night at 2 weeks, was always so happy and pleasant, was so well behaved in church and pretty much everywhere, always was a good eater....they have the last laugh. Because just when we thought we were ready to have another baby, Max gives us the ride of his life.
So let's reflect. Several months ago, we decided I could make my return to theatre by directing the January production for Gaslight. It was a show near and dear to my heart, so leaving Max almost nightly for several weeks would be made easier. Plus, I "rationalized" it to myself by telling myself that it's important for Max to see me as a person, not exclusively his mom. A person who not only is capable of things outside our home, but pursues them. That while balance is very important, so is variety. Daddy is not the only one who has evening obligations. I am passionate about people and projects in addition to my family and home. I do believe these things are important for Max to see and for me to do so I too can see those things in myself.
However, it was hard. For so many reasons. I haven't done any theatre since I was pregnant, and I hadn't directed a show since a year prior to that. Being out of the game that long definitely brings self-doubt and anxiety about every choice. So now, I'm "abandoning" Max for a project that I'm not sure will even be good.
Dave's schedule hadn't worked out exactly as I had thought it would, meaning Max was spending a lot of nights with my parents. Trust me, I am so eternally grateful we have them and that they are so close. Max loves spending time with them and he brings them such joy. I trust them to make wise decisions with Max and that he will be well fed and taken care of. However, there are naturally discrepancies in our child-rearing styles, such as bedtime, activities, TV... Once in a while, these differences are minor and don't have much impact; they're even seen as a treat for Max by him and us. However, when Max spends so much time with them and then has to return to the rigorous structure of his actual home, there's naturally going to be dissension in the ranks. And Max didn't disappoint.
Throw Christmas in the mix, especially when Max is the only (young) grandchild on both Dave's and my sides of the family, and you have the makings for a bratty kid.
Now, it's January 23 and Max's behavior has not only not resolved itself, but seems to have gotten worse. Bedtime takes an hour at minimum, just from the time we first say good night to when he finally settles quietly. He is waking in the night and wandering into our room, just to ask us (me) to put him back in his own bed. He's back to not eating well, replacing it with goofy obnoxious table behavior. And the mouth...I always knew I would have a mouthy kid to deal with as penance for what I put my mom through. However, I didn't anticipate dealing with it at almost 3; I thought I'd have until 13 at least! He yells at me, screams "No!" when asked to do something, is so defiant, and downright bratty. Where did this boy come from?? I am concerned that this isn't just a phase, or worse, that my lack of patience for this behavior will make it irreparable.
I am so proud of the good things I've taught Max. He (typically) has good manners, saying May I and Thank You. He (typically) is so sweet and encouraging, frequently telling people he is playing with Good Job! and Nice Try! He tells us spontaneously that he loves us and willingly gives hugs and kisses. He has always been a good listener, following directions and shown appropriate responsibility for his age, if not more. This turnaround is not only infuriating for the obvious reasons, but because it's such a shift from the well-behaved and admittedly "easy" kid I've had for almost 3 years.
I am researching as much as possible to get various perspectives in dealing with a newly difficult child. I understand the developmental psychology of it all. He is torn between yearning for independence and the inability to accept it. He feels all the feelings we do, without the strength to handle them. And I'm sure it just pisses him off when he has to do anything like clean up, stop playing, wash hands, etc. But I don't know how to react appropriately without ruining his innate spirit. Plus, half the time, I feel he doesn't give a crap about his consequences, no matter how cruel I fear they may be.
I guess I'm learning that all those people who were jealous of us when Max slept through the night at 2 weeks, was always so happy and pleasant, was so well behaved in church and pretty much everywhere, always was a good eater....they have the last laugh. Because just when we thought we were ready to have another baby, Max gives us the ride of his life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)