I am totally on board with the whole "I'm a mom, I grew a human inside me for 9 months, I breast fed for 9 more months, my body will never recover completely from that." I would totally ride that out if I was happy with myself prior to motherhood. However, I feel it's not fair to say that because it's like using a crutch when I have two working legs. And it's not fair to the poor women who actually do have a fracture or two.
I read a blog a few weeks back that someone shared on Facebook, Ten Rules for Fat Girls. It was written by 300 lb woman who was hating the haters, so to speak. She was preaching about how society expects women to be small, delicate flowers and that's not fair and how it's reinforced every time a fat girl goes shopping and can't find anything that makes her feel as beautiful as she thinks the skinny girls look. People were commenting all over it about how wonderful it is to have such a beautiful self image and if only everyone could believe in themselves and love themselves like this; inspirational! Her first rule was "You are not obligated to be thin, healthy or pretty." I strongly disagree. I am the first to say I have and always have had an unhealthy body image. I was never thin, but I always saw myself as hugely obese. Looking back at pictures from high school and college, I WISH I was that hugely obese now, meaning, I wasn't. I support self-confidence 1000% and I hope Max and any other future children are completely happy with themselves as long as they are doing their best. But I do feel you do have an obligation to be healthy. That may not mean thin OR pretty, but healthy is different. I feel an obligation to Max to be healthy. I may eat a lot, but I eat good nutritious stuff! And he is my biggest motivator to even try to get in shape and drop the pounds. I can't bear the fact that my selfish habits could cause him to lose his mother at a young age or that he will pick up bad habits and carry it on. I think we are obligated to be the best person we can for our children, and that includes being healthy. I was very tempted to comment on the blog and say so, but I feel it may have fallen on deaf ears.
So, I started Weight Watchers almost 2 years ago. It was touch and go for a while, as I figured out the system and a routine. I really do thrive on routines. I had finally lost 30+ pounds and was excited because that was more than Max weighed (weighs, actually. Don't know where he got his good genes from.) and that was a tangible amount for me. Then school was over, I was not working and was home. Despite the fact that I was home with a 2 year old, we bought a house, I cleaned and painted it in preparation to move, I managed to find a way to be sedentary most of the time. Before I knew it, it was fall and I gained it all back. How is that possible or fair that it's so fucking hard to take it off, and there's not even a reward of making it hard to put back on?
You would think, "Oh, SAHM, yes you have kids, but you must have time to exercise. People who have jobs and kids still have time to work." This may be true. Actually, I am finding out it is true. I have to go back to waking at 7 or earlier to do an at home work out and shower before Max needs me to attend to his needs. Which is not the worst thing; I woke at 5:30 or 6:00 to go to work for years, so I know I can do it. I just have to adjust my life again. I had come to enjoy the fact that I didn't need to do that. I could stay in PJs all morning if I wanted to, I could take my time snuggling with Max in bed, I could wait until Max's naptime to shower. Typing this out makes me feel like a lazy person, but I know I always had good conversation and constructive playtime with Max, which is the purpose of me staying home. I know there's a whole camp of people who don't think that is a valuable use of time when others could be doing that for me and I could have a job. I won't engage in that debate. I'm just saying I definitely enjoyed the flexibility that came with staying at home.
However, I have no flexibility in my body. I want to have more children, but as I approach my mid thirties, it becomes more high risk. When I am clinically obese, it's even riskier. Plus, I really really really hated that I didn't get the typical pregnant belly, because my belly was already so round. I tried to look the part, but I just looked fat. So I am trying to up my game. I am doing 3 miles every morning. For 2 mornings, so far, but that's 2 consecutive days. I am hoping to see change by the end of this week. I know that's not possible, but it would be so much more motivating if I could go down a size by Saturday. But I won't. So my goals are:
- Continue my daily workout. Daily. Every morning. Even when it hurts.
- Stop seeing my days as grazing times and naptime as gorge fest.
- Read this post as often as necessary to attain #1 and #2.
I want to set an example of healthy living for Max. I want to be attractive to my husband. And in general. I want people to say, "Wow! You look great!" when they see me after a long period of time. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to come to terms with the fact I will never ever be the itty bitty chickie I want to be so badly. But I can be a healthy, happy mom for Max and be around to dance at his wedding, and hold my own grandchildren.
PS I am totally plugging The Laurie Berkner Band's concert in Glenside, PA. Quality music, wholesome entertainment, danceable tunes....what more could you ask for in a family night out??
PS I am totally plugging The Laurie Berkner Band's concert in Glenside, PA. Quality music, wholesome entertainment, danceable tunes....what more could you ask for in a family night out??
