Today is Better...

So since yesterday's post, things got worse with Max.  But today they got better.
There's not enough interweb to go into the details of the emotional turmoil yesterday took on me.  I felt frustration, sadness, despair, anger.  I tried so hard not to let that show for Max's sake.  I didn't want him to know he was putting me in this place I've never been.  I also didn't want to give him the upper hand, if I'm being completely honest.  By evening time, his blatant refusal had escalated to the type of scene you see in ridiculous movies about problem children.  When I calmly put him on the steps to relax (our time-out), he screamed "NO!" at me and ran away.  I calmly returned him to the step, and again and again, until I sat with him and held him there.  I hate the way that even looks in print.  I was there and I know exactly what happened, yet I am picturing myself sitting on him or throwing him down on the step.  This did not happen.  I just sat with him.  He screamed and cried.  He tried to lean in for a hug and as I fought back the tears (unsuccessfully) as I had to decide whether to give him a hug or not.
I realize how awful that sounds.  Why would a mother not give her crying son a hug??  I wanted to, hence the tears.  I was just so caught up in my frustration that I didn't know if hugging him in that moment, after he fought with me all day, or even if I work within his own short term memory, those last 15 minutes, if that would reinforce the idea in his mind that all he has to do is cry and all would be okay.  All will be okay, but I was so afraid of developing a pattern that was similar to his behavior that day...I didn't know how I would last if that was our new life together.
Admittedly, I was snowballing.  One bad day doesn't mean a bad kid.  But it was a really, really bad day.  I told Dave that as difficult as being a parent is, up until this point, I felt confident I was doing right by Max.  I knew even when it wasn't easy, it was for the best.  Now it's not easy AND I am not confident in my parenting to know I am acting for the best possible outcome.  I know what I do now could have lasting effects on Max and establish precedents that we will all have to deal with forever.
I needed today to happen.  I needed a good night's sleep and some support from Dave to reassess and see Max for the beautiful little boy he is, a good kid with bad days, who still deserves a hug, even and especially in our darkest moments.  I needed to forgive myself for feeling frustrated with him and for the mistakes I may have made and will make in the future.  I needed my skills and tools that I carefully choose to work with Max and to be effective.  Today that happened.
I took a day to put Max first, not just juggle him in with a bunch of other tasks (he's napping now, so this doesn't count).  I listened to him and answered him the first time he spoke to me, just as I am asking him to do.  I recognized why he might not do what I ask, why he might be so angry he has to yell at me, and told him I recognize these things.  I valued his feelings and gave him acceptable outlets for them.  I recognize it won't always work and we will have awful days again.  But I needed today to be a good day, and it was.  And for that I am maternally grateful. (wokka wokka.)

How Do You Know?

So Max has been extraordinarily difficult lately.  I've heard that 3 is worse than 2 behaviorally speaking, so I'm thinking that since Max is so advanced, he's creeping into the terrible 3s a bit early. (hahahaha - I have to find a silver lining!)
So I obviously love him unconditionally.  And I truly believe that I am not blinded by that love and I can see his imperfections.  I am not one of those 'not my kid' parents.  I understand while Max is capable of being a sweet, loving, mannerly child, he is equally capable of being a giant jerk.  He is typically the former, but when the latter rears its ugly head, it's, well, ugly.
The ugly head has been reared more frequently lately.  Just when I thought we were blessed in the tantrum department, he is proving me wrong.  How was I supposed to know that it was so important that he open the door for Daddy when he comes home, or that he turn on the faucet even though he can't reach it or that he never ever pick up his toys?  I consider myself educated in early childhood development, so I pull out all the stops.  I try planned ignoring, changing the subject, laughing it off, zero tolerance, all while maintaining consistent expectations.  At least I think I am doing this the best I can.
My frustration now lies in choosing between picking my battles with him and making it clear his behavior will not be tolerated.  I obviously don't want to be a tyrant mom.  Where's the fun in that?  I am all too aware that Max is capable of retaining memories now.  I want him to feel lucky to have had a stay at home mom, not oppressed by it.  I also want to do what's best for him in the long run, not just the moments we have now.   For example, will a piece of Halloween candy first thing in the morning literally give him rotten teeth and diabetes?  Probably not.  Isolated it's not that big of a deal unless it becomes a habit or recurring behavior.  Which is why I don't want to give it to him.  But he doesn't like to hear no and he really likes his chocolate.  So a tantrum commences.  And then I am stuck.  Do I "pick my battles" and let him have a small piece of candy, maybe even compromising by giving him a piece of my choosing?  This will obviously make him happy, make for a smoother morning, maybe even earn me some cooperation later in the day.  But am I setting myself up for failure in the long run by giving him what wants?  Does it matter if he gets what he wants before he tantrums or after?  Is consistency the better choice, even if it means a consistent fight?  The candy is just an example...there are many things we can do battle over: eating on the couch, screaming at me, getting his coat on...the list goes on.  I know that it doesn't matter that he doesn't want to wear a coat when it's 30 degrees outside; I will win that battle for his health and safety.  But when it's time for his nap and he just doesn't want to clean up his toys, even with my help, how important is it that he listen to me and put everything away? I need for him to respect (eventually) his mom and dad - adults in general - but how much is too much for a 2-1/2 year old, even the brightest?