My Kid is a Jerk

Or shall I say, he CAN be a jerk.  As we all can at times, of course.  It just seems that Max's jerkiness is in concentrated form lately.  And on a related note, I've not blogged in 2 months.  How is that related, you might ask?  Well, it's because my life has been crazy since November until a few weeks ago.  Therefore, Max's life has been crazy.  Therefore, he's a jerk.  I took critical thinking in college, I think that's how it works.
So let's reflect.  Several months ago, we decided I could make my return to theatre by directing the January production for Gaslight.  It was a show near and dear to my heart, so leaving Max almost nightly for several weeks would be made easier.  Plus, I "rationalized" it to myself by telling myself that it's important for Max to see me as a person, not exclusively his mom.  A person who not only is capable of things outside our home, but pursues them.  That while balance is very important, so is variety.  Daddy is not the only one who has evening obligations.  I am passionate about people and projects in addition to my family and home.  I do believe these things are important for Max to see and for me to do so I too can see those things in myself.
However, it was hard.  For so many reasons.  I haven't done any theatre since I was pregnant, and I hadn't directed a show since a year prior to that.  Being out of the game that long definitely brings self-doubt and anxiety about every choice.  So now, I'm "abandoning" Max for a project that I'm not sure will even be good.
Dave's schedule hadn't worked out exactly as I had thought it would, meaning Max was spending a lot of nights with my parents.  Trust me, I am so eternally grateful we have them and that they are so close.  Max loves spending time with them and he brings them such joy.  I trust them to make wise decisions with Max and that he will be well fed and taken care of.  However, there are naturally discrepancies in our child-rearing styles, such as bedtime, activities, TV...  Once in a while, these differences are minor and don't have much impact; they're even seen as a treat for Max by him and us.  However, when Max spends so much time with them and then has to return to the rigorous structure of his actual home, there's naturally going to be dissension in the ranks.  And Max didn't disappoint.
Throw Christmas in the mix, especially when Max is the only (young) grandchild on both Dave's and my sides of the family, and you have the makings for a bratty kid.
Now, it's January 23 and Max's behavior has not only not resolved itself, but seems to have gotten worse.  Bedtime takes an hour at minimum, just from the time we first say good night to when he finally settles quietly.  He is waking in the night and wandering into our room, just to ask us (me) to put him back in his own bed.  He's back to not eating well, replacing it with goofy obnoxious table behavior.  And the mouth...I always knew I would have a mouthy kid to deal with as penance for what I put my mom through.  However, I didn't anticipate dealing with it at almost 3; I thought I'd have until 13 at least!  He yells at me, screams "No!" when asked to do something, is so defiant, and downright bratty.  Where did this boy come from??  I am concerned that this isn't just a phase, or worse, that my lack of patience for this behavior will make it irreparable.
I am so proud of the good things I've taught Max.  He (typically) has good manners, saying May I and Thank You.  He (typically) is so sweet and encouraging, frequently telling people he is playing with Good Job! and Nice Try!  He tells us spontaneously that he loves us and willingly gives hugs and kisses.  He has always been a good listener, following directions and shown appropriate responsibility for his age, if not more.  This turnaround is not only infuriating for the obvious reasons, but because it's such a shift from the well-behaved and admittedly "easy" kid I've had for almost 3 years.
I am researching as much as possible to get various perspectives in dealing with a newly difficult child. I understand the developmental psychology of it all.  He is torn between yearning for independence and the inability to accept it.  He feels all the feelings we do, without the strength to handle them.  And I'm sure it just pisses him off when he has to do anything like clean up, stop playing, wash hands, etc.  But I don't know how to react appropriately without ruining his innate spirit.  Plus, half the time, I feel he doesn't give a crap about his consequences, no matter how cruel I fear they may be.
I guess I'm learning that all those people who were jealous of us when Max slept through the night at 2 weeks, was always so happy and pleasant, was so well behaved in church and pretty much everywhere, always was a good eater....they have the last laugh.  Because just when we thought we were ready to have another baby, Max gives us the ride of his life.

How Do You Know?

So Max has been extraordinarily difficult lately.  I've heard that 3 is worse than 2 behaviorally speaking, so I'm thinking that since Max is so advanced, he's creeping into the terrible 3s a bit early. (hahahaha - I have to find a silver lining!)
So I obviously love him unconditionally.  And I truly believe that I am not blinded by that love and I can see his imperfections.  I am not one of those 'not my kid' parents.  I understand while Max is capable of being a sweet, loving, mannerly child, he is equally capable of being a giant jerk.  He is typically the former, but when the latter rears its ugly head, it's, well, ugly.
The ugly head has been reared more frequently lately.  Just when I thought we were blessed in the tantrum department, he is proving me wrong.  How was I supposed to know that it was so important that he open the door for Daddy when he comes home, or that he turn on the faucet even though he can't reach it or that he never ever pick up his toys?  I consider myself educated in early childhood development, so I pull out all the stops.  I try planned ignoring, changing the subject, laughing it off, zero tolerance, all while maintaining consistent expectations.  At least I think I am doing this the best I can.
My frustration now lies in choosing between picking my battles with him and making it clear his behavior will not be tolerated.  I obviously don't want to be a tyrant mom.  Where's the fun in that?  I am all too aware that Max is capable of retaining memories now.  I want him to feel lucky to have had a stay at home mom, not oppressed by it.  I also want to do what's best for him in the long run, not just the moments we have now.   For example, will a piece of Halloween candy first thing in the morning literally give him rotten teeth and diabetes?  Probably not.  Isolated it's not that big of a deal unless it becomes a habit or recurring behavior.  Which is why I don't want to give it to him.  But he doesn't like to hear no and he really likes his chocolate.  So a tantrum commences.  And then I am stuck.  Do I "pick my battles" and let him have a small piece of candy, maybe even compromising by giving him a piece of my choosing?  This will obviously make him happy, make for a smoother morning, maybe even earn me some cooperation later in the day.  But am I setting myself up for failure in the long run by giving him what wants?  Does it matter if he gets what he wants before he tantrums or after?  Is consistency the better choice, even if it means a consistent fight?  The candy is just an example...there are many things we can do battle over: eating on the couch, screaming at me, getting his coat on...the list goes on.  I know that it doesn't matter that he doesn't want to wear a coat when it's 30 degrees outside; I will win that battle for his health and safety.  But when it's time for his nap and he just doesn't want to clean up his toys, even with my help, how important is it that he listen to me and put everything away? I need for him to respect (eventually) his mom and dad - adults in general - but how much is too much for a 2-1/2 year old, even the brightest?

Help You?

The following is an entry that was to be prior to "Multitasking" made the cut.  "Multitasking" exists because I didn't realize a draft was saved when the plug was pulled.  But Max grows and earns more and more "lasts" - last time he said "sawwy?"  I don't know; last time he said "help you?" no clue.  I'd forgotten he'd ever said it, which now that I recall it, is devastating.  So I will publish this belated blog entry.  If for nothing else, but to help me remember.
One of the things I'd like Max to learn is manners.  It may seem trivial, or even meaningless at this point in his life.  Sometimes I wonder myself, but I also feel that it's never to early to start good habits.
Max's language is developing at an awesome pace.  I just marvel at what he can say.  I think back to those developmental checkpoints Dave and I felt obligated to check to make sure we weren't missing any red flags in Max's formative months.  A few months back, one stated that he should be able to say 10 words in context.  There Dave and I sat, counting, thinking, "Hi, Mommy, Daddy, more, eat, etc.", feeling confident that he had mastered the minimum requirement for his age, if not surpassing the goal.  Now, I could probably sit for 10 straight minutes and not be able to list every word he can say.  And he knows meanings for them and can even string several together to make a beautiful statement (of sorts).  Some of the words he knows now, and uses regularly, even without prompting are "Please (peece, in a hushed whisper),  thank you, sorry (the typical sawwee), and hi."  I feel an enormous pride when someone gives him something and he says thank you all on his own.