Some People....

***WARNING - the below is a collection of incoherent, nonsensical ramblings...a stream of consciousness, if you will...spawned by the fact that I do not want my son to be lonely.  Nor do I wish to be lonely.  If you have trouble focusing, it may be best to skip this post.***

I am totally and completely grateful that I am able to be a SAHM.  I am unbelievably fortunate to have such a supportive husband who encourages me every day in this role.  There are ups and downs to not working outside the home, they have been talked to death, usually in a one-sided fashion.  (Yes, it's completely terrific that I don't have to get out of my pajamas and I get to play with my son all day.  It is, however, not easy.  Just like, it's terrific that working parents have adult conversations, a little more financial stability and don't dread rainy days because it means they are stuck inside, but that doesn't mean it's easy for them either.  But I digress.)
Having been a work-outside-the-home mom and a stay-at-home-mom, I feel like I have a realistic, rational view of my situation.  Max was in daycare for 2 years before I stayed home with him.  I worked there for the first year and half, so I didn't have to deal with the separation component of working until much later, when we were both more ready.  That part was great, but I feel I did it backwards.  Of course, it's non-traditional, but that's not what bothers me.  When he was an infant, he received great care, but he didn't care what he did. He just needed to be fed, changed, warm and he was happy.  As he got older his needs changed, obviously.  When we decided I would stay home with him, he was 3 months into being 2 years old.  We had a lot going on, like moving into our new house, so it was exciting for him.  We were also potty training, which was SO much better, I can only imagine, since I was home with him.  But once we got settled and the new-ness wore off, he began to ask if he was going to school and about his friends that he played with.  I knew Max wouldn't be worse off with me in "academic" areas, but I was concerned about his social skills.  He has always been so pleasant and sociable, friendly and caring, patient and kind....I didn't want him to lose those qualities just because he doesn't have to wait in line anymore, or that he is the only one asking my attention.  Plus, I just felt bad for him.  I mean, we have a blast together.  I pretty sure it's mutual.  We laugh, we dance, we sing, we play football.  It's helpful to know about high quality day care, so I don't forget that it is important to be outside an hour every day, even if I don't feel like it.  It provides a certain loose structure to our days that I'm sure is familiar to him.  But he has no buddies.
I have very few friends with children, and of those that do, most don't live close by.  And the ones that do live close may not have children the right age.  Or they work out of the home.  Or they're allergic/scared of our dog.  So you would think it would be awesome that my cousin has a little boy born 1 year and 1 day after Max.  Last year, it was irrelevant because though Max was playing with toys and running around, the little one (LO) was still too little.  However, as they get older, the gap narrows and an almost 2 year old and an almost 3 year old can play really nicely.  But I wouldn't know from experience because I never see them.
I tried really hard to put myself out there to my cousin and his wife.  I was nothing but supportive of them throughout their pregnancy, giving them anything we had they might possibly need in that first year.  Our kids were a year apart, almost to the day; how could I not want to establish a relationship right off the bat.  My cousin (the dad) and I are only 2 months apart and we were very close growing up.  We loved having each other at holidays and at school.  Since my sisters are nowhere close to having children of their own, I wanted Max to have a someone to fill that role.  But apparently LO's momma doesn't feel it's necessary.  She knows I don't work.  I even offered to watch LO whenever his grandma needed a break or just to have a playdate with Max once in a while.  I got one morning for 2 hours at their house when my cousin was off from work.  It's hard to keep offering/asking without feeling lonely and desperate.
I just realized this doesn't make much sense without going into gory details I'd rather not put out into the interwebs for anyone to stumble across.  Let's suffice it to say my very close family can't quite close the gap between us and my cousin and his immediate family.  And I think it's sad.  And offensive when she blatantly puts out on a public forum like Facebook that she's having a playdate with her son and my son hasn't been included.  I don't really care to see her ever.  But I love LO and I know Max would love to have some peer time.  I would love for him to have it.
It's interesting that this is a problem I am having, because I feel like it's partially due to my community and my generation.  Back in the day, I remember all my friends' parents were approximately the same age.  But now, people have kids at 16, 26, 36, 46 and all ages in between.  So my friends, who are my age or close, either have older children that don't want anything to do with my 2 year old or aren't even in relationships, let alone having children.  It would be really nice to have other SAHM to bond with, hang out with, while our kids take turns destroying each others' houses.  But I do feel badly for Max.  I don't think he's on the road to being anti-social yet, and he will be going to school, as scary as that is for me, so it's a temporary situation.  But seriously, who doesn't like hanging out with people your own age?

Multi-tasking

Well, this entry was going to be about manners and words and how I love both when they come out of Max's mouth.  However, my hand-me-down MacBook (for which I am grateful, don't get me wrong) is a hand-me-down because it only works while plugged in; the battery holds no power at all.  So here I sit as Max plays, and I with him, reading to him, helping him build, pausing once in a while to add to this blog.
Then it happens.  The terrible thing on which sitcoms with laugh-tracks thrive.  Max pulls the plug.  Immediate shut down.  Of the MacBook and my brain.  Not only was I multi-tasking with the computer and the child, I was multi-tasking on the computer, uploading all of our Christmas photos and working on this.  For whatever reason, while uploading the photos to my photo site of choice, it uploaded every one 3 times.  (I had wondered why it was taking so long.)  So there I sat, scrolling, clicking and deleting.  Until the screen went black.  And the pit in my stomach formed, as I considered the tedious task in which I had already invested some serious playtime.  The thought of doing it all again made me want to just not share the photos.  Well, the photos were saved and all deletions had been maintained.  The blog, however, was gone except for the title: Help you?  Ironic...which you'd understand if you'd been able to read the text which is now gone forever.
My frustration when these things happen reaches admittedly ridiculous heights.  And the anger that follows is just as ridiculous.  I recognize it.  But I feel justified since I was so happy with the lyric of my thoughts and it's not something that I can recreate.  So I chose to not even try and shared this story instead.
Lesson learned: Max deserves my attention 1000% when I am able to give it.  It was a reminder that I don't always have the opportunity to just play with him and I should just take advantage of it when I can.  So that's where I'm off to...