I don't know when this happened, but I don't have a baby anymore. I know I've been warned, and I guess on a certain level I was prepared, even excited. But now that he's gone, I'm mourning him a little. Fortunately, the little boy that has replaced him is so fun and wonderful and exciting that I am too busy to fall into a depression over my loss. But sometimes when I watch with amazement all he is capable of and realize he doesn't need me in the same ways as he used to, I feel sad. Sometimes I even get a little teary. And then I scold myself because how can I possibly be sad when I have so much joy right in front of me and if I waste my time being sad about what's over, I will miss out on truly amazing things right now.
These crazy thoughts are the things no one tells you about when you become a parent. I've been told to "treasure every moment", "it goes so fast"....as if I can possibly do anything to slow down time. But those cliches helped me prioritize my life for sure. I haven't done theatre since I was pregnant. 2 and a half years. That's a HUGE leap for someone who did some form of theatre continuously since 1991. I helped out with directing a one-act this summer and I am diving in head first to directing a musical next month. I am incredibly nervous about this commitment and the time away from Max, but I am comforted that at least I am home with him now during the day so I won't be in a scenario of never seeing him for 2 months. But still. I love putting him to bed. I love our nighttime routine. He has just started to want to help make dinner. Who knows how these things will change by the time my show closes? And that is when I will mourn the precious hours lost and celebrate the shining star his Daddy helped him become in my absence. It's an emotional roller coaster, folks. But it's even crazier than they tell you.
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