So we've been to the doctor, everything is confirmed and we are officially pregnant, due October 10. It's strange to go through this a second time. I'm already comparing this pregnancy with my last; this poor kid doesn't have a chance.
The first time, especially with an unplanned pregnancy, if full of so many emotions. I was SO excited, surprised, overwhelmed, excited, full of anticipation, trepidation....so many things. I was excited about having a baby, but I was so excited to go though a pregnancy. I read everything I could get my hands on. I wanted to know what to expect, what was normal, what would happen next...I felt fairly prepared for the very uneventful and pleasant pregnancy I had. This time, although I'm sure it will continue to be at least a little different, I already know what to expect. I know I will take advantage of every spare minute to sleep until just after my second trimester begins. I know how to eat. I know what will happen at our doctor appointments. I know when we will find out the sex. It's all still exciting to go through, of course, but there's not the anticipation of unknown territory. I'm even having a scheduled c-section, for crying out loud. Which is great for planning, but feels a very business-like way to bring a child into the world.
Then there's the whole situation of not having many spare seconds to sleep due to having been pregnant before, leading me to already have a child. While I was a FT working person during my first pregnancy, now I am a stay at home mom who also babysits another baby. I will have the whole balancing Max with an infant part down, but boy, it was nice to be self-centered during my pregnancy. I was not a person who wanted to be waited on, and like I said, I worked FT and still cooked dinners, did laundry, cleaned the house, etc. But I also went to bed at 9 if I wanted. Right now, I am opting to type this knowing my laundry will not get done today because I will now go make dinner, play with Max, eat, give him a bath put him to bed and then go to bed. It's really hard to be annoyed that I want to give Max my time. But I am. I want him to snuggle (aka nap) on the couch with me so I can catch a few zzzzs. But he's almost 3. He doesn't stay still very long. He also watches way more tv than I want him to, but sometimes mama needs a break. Or to pee or make dinner or feed the baby.
I'm glad Max likes having the little baby here every day. I hope he is as excited about the one who doesn't go home at 4:00. His jealousy is very mild if it does rear its head. And he's actually very helpful. But this doesn't stop me from freaking out about the fact that we've now made this a permanent situation. I feel like my house will never be clean again, my laundry will never be done again, I will never not feel tired again. That's the selfish stuff. Then there's the fact that I adore Max. I mean, this kid is the bomb. He's smart as can be, charming, easy on the eyes, polite (and nothing gets me like a kid with manners), so imaginative, kind... I love spending time with him! I know I just had a rant of how I miss being able to sleep pre-Max, but even still, if anything is going to keep me awake, I'd rather it be him. And now there's going to be someone else who will cause me to miss out on Max time. I don't know this new person yet, so I don't know if I'll enjoy his company as much as Max. I mean, I'll love him, obviously, but I can't imagine anyone coming close to the coolness of the kid I already have.
Which leads me to my next irrational thought. How on earth will we be lucky enough to have 2 kickass kids? I mean, we got so lucky with Max. Great sleeper, great eater, nice kid, all the aforementioned qualities...I just am so afraid that the new baby will be colicky, bad eater, bad sleeper, so needy.....and I might lose my mind. I seriously have over 7 months to deal with this before meeting unknown child. And I'm already stressing. Which is probably in turn affecting baby's development. Which will make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. Great. Yet I am super excited to meet newest tiny human.
I am super hopeful that the sudden surge of hormones is making me into this slightly more miserable and slightly more neurotic version of me and that it will level out in a few weeks. I want to be a happy pregnant mama. And just a happy regular mama. And I absolutely do not want to drag either of my children down my spiral of insanity. And secondarily, my husband shouldn't really hang out there either.
Maybe I just need a nap. Soon..
No comments:
Post a Comment