So a few months back, Dave and I (mostly I; Dave had decided about 2 years ago!) decided we were ready for another baby. I was so scared to admit that; I'm not sure why. I LOVE being Max's mommy and perhaps that is in fact why. I can't imagine being a mom to anyone else, having this much love for anyone else. I truly wasn't ready until then. I knew I I wanted more, but I was just loving the heck out of Max and I figured if I was meant to have another sooner, it would happen. Even if I was on the pill. Just like with Max. I hadn't happened, so we decided we would actively try. I didn't tell anyone this information because 1.) I was already dealing with the "So when are you having another?" and I didn't want the additional pressure, and 2.) Telling people we were trying was not really anyone's business and them knowing would mean they might take the leap and think about us having sex. I know it's crazy. But I have never been really forthright about the "intimate" details of my life; it's my cross to bear.
I also didn't think I would have to let people know since I was convinced we were such fertile fellows. I mean, we got pregnant on the pill when Dave was in for a weekend from his 8 week job in Missouri. I mean, the stars really had to be aligned for Max to be with us here today, yet here he is. So when we actually intended on getting pregnant, it should be a piece of cake, no?
No.
I don't mean to diminish the anguish of couples who go through months and years of infertility. I can't imagine being in that situation. But I just know I thought we would be able to conceive in 1 month, maybe 2 and when we didn't, I was devastated. I spent lots of money on pregnancy tests, convinced that was the problem. The ones I bought were too cheap, too old, not digital, etc. So I took 2-3 tests every month. Again, I recognize I am a crazy person.
Then in December, I felt it. I knew we did it. I timed it out on the calendar, I had sore boobs, I was exhausted, I even convinced myself I was peeing more frequently. And most importantly I was late. So I waited until I was officially 2 days late so as not to get disappointed again. I peed in a cup, dipped the stick and waited. Since we were in the post Christmas debt, I had gotten a box of non-digital store brand. I was having a moment of rationalism after extensive research that says they are essentially all the same so why waste the money. I brushed my teeth and put in my contacts waiting for that line to come up in the second window. I knew I was looking for a vertical line, give me a vertical line. Holy shit, it was a vertical line!! We had done it. 3 "short" months and we were going to have a baby. Baby would be exactly 3-1/2 years younger than Max. That exact half year was appealing to me for some reason. Would they share a room? Would I lose the guest room? Would it be a boy or a girl? Chinese gender charts said it would be a girl. I was really happy about that. All these thoughts ran through my head before I even walked into the bedroom to tell Dave. I walked into our room and woke him gently. We chatted a bit and he said, "What's on the docket for today?" I said, "Maybe we should talk baby names?" :) He was so excited and so was I; non stop grinning. We decided to wait to tell anyone, except maybe Max. Maybe. We lay in bed just basking in the glow of our news. Max woke up and joined us; it was a freakin' ABCFamily episode. I got up to go to the bathroom again and - what I'm about to admit is possibly the most embarrassing moment of my life - and decided to look at the test again before I threw it out. I looked again and it was odd. I just felt like I should look at the pamphlet. And I felt nausea that I knew was not morning sickness. I'd read the test wrong. I looked at the control window, which did in fact have that vertical line. Duh, it's the control window. The other window held a giant horizontal line. Like a big old minus. Negative. A flashing sign of "You are too dumb and fat to get pregnant." And then I had to tell Dave.
I walked into the room in complete shock and devastated I had to burst the cloud 9 he was riding. All because I was so convinced I was pregnant/wanted to be pregnant so badly, I saw what I wanted to see on that stick. And I burst into incoherent sobs. I think I wailed that I made a mistake and shoved the test and pamphlet under his nose, and God love him, he tried to turn that test and pamphlet every which way to make it say what we wanted it to say. And he consoled me even though he was clearly disappointed too. And Max gave me a hug, not having any idea what was happening.
I was so annoyed at myself, I obsessively Googled "misreading pregnancy tests" to try to read some other poor soul's similar story. I found none. I felt like such an idiot. Who misreads a pregnancy test?? That's joke on some bad sitcom. And now it was a bad joke in my life. I was so sad. I felt like I lost a child I never had. I'd only thought I had one for an hour! But the feeling of loss was real. And you can't deal with loss alone. So I ended up spilling the beans to one of my sisters. The one I was doing a show with at the time. I pulled her into the bathroom, reluctant since she was a very vocal member of Team More Babies. But I broke down and told her, feeling like a silent weight was lifted finally just by speaking it out loud. She didn't quite realize where the story was going at first and probably thought I was telling her I was pregnant, so she let out an expression of joy, followed by sympathy. She was kind and encouraging, which was especially nice since she was also obviously uncomfortable.
I think just getting it out helped. It was a lot to carry inside, and it was like a miracle. I immediately felt a weight lifted. I wasn't less sad, but I didn't feel burdened and I was able to focus on other things in my life, which was helpful since I was in the midst of directing a show.
Flash forward to early February. Time to test again. I felt really confident about it this month. I was more relaxed and aware of the timing of things, so I thought if it's going to happen, this is it. Everything was by the book. I was only late by a day and since I'm not like clockwork, it could have been nothing or it could mean I was knocked up. I told Dave I was debating whether to take the test or just wait a little longer. We agreed I should take it but hold little expectation (HA!) and if it was negative we'd keep trying. And if keeping trying doesn't work, we'll look into other options. Not ready to explore other options, I held my breath as I waited for the digital message to arrive. After I washed my hands, brushed my teeth, and put my contacts in, I saw the test stop flashing and words on the screen. One word too many: Not Pregnant. I sighed, shook it off and went in the bedroom to enjoy my existing family. We laughed, wrestled, giggled and had fun. I didn't cry. Oddly, I didn't have to try not to. When we finally got around to getting up for the day, Dave said "Hey, did you..." I nonchalantly said "Yeah, nope, not this time. It was negative." He was obviously disappointed, but it was okay. He said next time could be the time and I agree.
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